


I Want You Back

by twistedlikes



Category: Quinlove Quinlove
Genre: F/F, Quinfic Quinlove
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-06-09 00:17:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6881518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twistedlikes/pseuds/twistedlikes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Tegan Quin returns home due to unfortunate circumstances. She realizes that the death of a loved one will not be the only pain she will be faced with as she comes to terms with knowing she is the one  responsible for her own heart ache.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Home

" Is that all for you ma'am?"

Tegan sighed before looking up at the young waitress. She was already irritated from the long drive home, but for the waitress, who couldn't be more than eighteen call her ma'am was enough. Tegan hated being reminded of her age, not because she was old, she just knew she would be.

Tegan noded her head and looked at the coffee in front of her. She couldn't bring herself to have another sip. She didn't care for the coffee from rest stops, the mug's were always too thick, making it awkward to sip. She guessed they were made that way to fool people into thinking they had more coffee than they had, most stops after-all offered free refills.

 

Back on the road, Tegan realized that she was already half way home, which put her in a better mood. Just two more hours and she would be home, with warmth and her childhood bed, she was definitively feeling better, she wondered if it were the coffee. 

She wished she was going home under better circumstances, but unfortunately, Tegan's grandmother from her father's side passed away days earlier, and Tegan was now with out any grandparents or a father.

Her father and grandfather passed away when she was twenty-eight. They went on a fishing trip and for whatever reason both men fell from their boat. The authorities think one of the men must have fallen over, and the other tried to save him, they think the boat continued to drift, causing both men to drown. It was a one of the hardest things Tegan ever had to experience, she hoped to never feel that way again. 

As sad as she was about her grandmother, she felt comfort in thinking that maybe they were all together again. She wasn't a religious person, in fact, she was all but a few cents short of being an self proclaimed atheist, but it made her feel better to think her grandmother was with people she loved now. Hell what ever it took to get by, she didn't care.

 

Tegan made it home just before dark and was surprised to see her mother's drive way and street were still littered with cars, she thought everyone would have been gone by now.

Not wanting to cause attention to herself, Tegan walked in through the back door and used the back stairs to get to her room. She had not known how many times those stairs saved her ass, and she felt thankful that years later they were still doing so.

 

Standing in her bedroom left Tegan with an odd sensation. She had not been home for over a year, but the clean sheets on the bed told Tegan her mother was in the space fairly recently thankfully. 

Tegan had been staying with her mother for only a few weeks when she decided to take a job up north. It was a good opportunity to leave and start over fresh. She wanted change in her life, and knew it was time to move on. So, with very little hesitation, she did.

She knew she made a mistake of crawling into bed the minute she lied down. She rolled over to her side, with her knees toward her stomach and hands resting between her thighs. She wanted sleep more than anything now, but she had to go downstairs to greet her mother, if she didn't her mother would worry. Damn she missed that bed.

 

" Tegan?" The voice did not register with her at first, but when she turned around and saw whom the voice belonged to, she turned back on her side and closed her eyes. Of all people to see first, it had to be Sara. " What are you doing here Sara?" Her voice was tired and unmoved by the short haired woman standing at Tegans door. " I, I just wanted to see the old hangout, when did you get in?" she asked with genuine curiosity, almost forgetting how jittery and nervous she was feeling right then. 

Seeing Tegan startled her, she knew she was going to see her, just not in the one place they held so many memories together. 

Tegan rolled over and sat, but still kept her hands between her thighs. "Just now, I forgotten how nice this bed was." Sara held back a small laugh, but smiled " Tell me about it." Tegan shook her head and Sara suddenly felt foolish for being so relaxed. 

Tegan was an emotional roller coaster. She was all over the place with her feelings, and she absolutely loved that about her. If it had not been for Tegan's unapologetic feelings, she, and Tegan would have never begun what Sara knew was the best relationship she could ever have with someone. 

Sara hadn't meant to hint or remind Tegan of their time in that bed, it simply slipped.

" Can you please tell my mother I'm here, but that I want to rest for a while. "

Sara couldn't speak suddenly, so she nodded and quickly left the room, she managed to get half-way down before the tears came. She was feeling so many things that moment, just like she had when they last seen each other.

The only difference between then and now was that Sara was the one crying this time.


	2. The Sweater

When Tegan woke she knew she it was late in the night. That familiar silence of her childhood home when late, told her as much. Tegan debates going back to bed, but knows her mother would likely still be up waiting for her to wake from her 'nap'.

Downstairs her mother is watching television, Tegan smiles at the sight of her mother sitting comfortably with an old throw blanket for warmth. " Hi, mum." She said walking over, lightly kissing her on the cheek. " It feels nice in here. "

Tegan joins her on the soft couch and brings her legs up from the floor to tuck them under the blanket her mother always kept on the furniture piece. She then leaned against her mother and began watching t.v.

" I wonder if the reason you're so clingy was because I babied you so much." Tegan groaned and fell back into the couch. She covered her head with the red fleece, but then lowered it. " Mumm." she whined, " I'm not clingy...I'm lovable okay." Her mother Sonia laughed, " Of course you are honey." Tegan nudges her, then asks if there were any food left over.

The company of her mother had her feeling so much better than before her trip. Even if she knew there were still hard times ahead with the funeral, she found her mother's company comforting. 

At the kitchen table, Sonia watched her daughter carefully. She loved having Tegan home, but hated that it had to be under unfortunate circumstances.

" Sara seemed upset when she left, want to talk about it?" Sonia said thinking of another unfortunate circumstance. Tegan shook her head. " Not really-no." Sonia ignores her daughter and continues. " I'm just worried about her, she doesn't look well these days. She's lost so much weight-." Tegan took her last bite of stew, then screeches her chair against the floor silencing her mother." I think I'm going to unpack and try to get a bit more rest. I'm still tired from the drive, night mum, love you." Tegan said calmly as she kissed her mother once more before heading back to her room.

Being a therapist, her mother always encouraged Tegan to talk about her feelings and Tegan understood that her mother's heart was in the right place. She just wished her mother understood that she and Sara were over, and that they had been, almost two years now. She wasn't trying to be rude or stubborn, she was just simply trying to move on. Out of sight, out of mind, it had worked so far, and Tegan stuck to things that worked.

That next morning Tegan was looking forward to lounging in the living room with her mum and a cup of tea. However, when she entered the kitchen, the sight of Sara and her mother having coffee made her instantly want to turn around and go back to her room. That of course wasn't an option.

" So you two are best-friends now." Tegan asked.

" I don't remember raising my daughter to be so rude first thing in the morning. " Sonia said. " Sara, do you recall her ever being so grouchy?" Sara snickered at Sonia's comment, but Tegan found nothing funny about the comment or setting. It was too early to have to deal with them, she just wanted a tea.

In the kitchen, she was surprised to see a teacup set up already and the tea maker ready for use.

" I went ahead and started the water for you." Tegan turned to explain how she wanted some time alone, but she forgot all about that when she took in the woman before her. She hadn't really noticed Sara, and made it a point not to, until now.

Sara was as her mother said; thin, and didn't look well at all.

" I'm going to go." Sara took Tegan's shocked expression as one of her not being welcome, Sara set her cup down and hurried out of the room. 

Tegan stood over the tea for a minute fighting the urge to run after Sara, but as always, she lost the mental debate with herself, as she mumbled curse words out of the room.

" Hold on right there, Sara." The shorter thin woman was already outside of the house and rushing to put on her coat when Tegan called out to her.

  
To Tegan's surprise, she listened but had not turned around. Tegan turned the shorter woman to face her and held open Sara's coat. Sara, however, was more concerned with Tegan standing there in only her pajamas and long cotton shirt. Sara was freezing, and she knew Tegan did not do well in the cold.  
" What are you doing, its freezing out here. Go back inside, you're going to get sick." Tegan let Sara's coat go and crossed her arms yet again, this time because of the chill.

  
" Before I get sick? Sara look at you, you're skin and bones. What the hell's going on with you? Are you sick? Does mum-"  
" Tegan! " Sara shouted to get a word in. " Calm down, you're getting upset for nothing, I'm fine. "  
" Then why-"  
" I'm fine okay, I'm just not getting high every night, eating pizza, or whatever shit food is lying around. I'm older and living a healthier lifestyle okay, that's all." Sara doesn't like having to explain herself to anyone, but knows Tegan is asking purely out of concern. She always loved that about her, she could be a real pain in the ass, but also the most compassionate.

Tegan looked at Sara searching for any signs of deceit, instead, she seen other things. She looked away quickly and headed toward her home.

" Why is she here?" Tegan asked upon entering the living room. " I don't want to see her mum, I don't want to talk to her, I don't want anything to do with her." Tegan wants out, she turned towards the stairs for her room. However, Sara was in her way. She hadn't realized Sara had followed behind her. " Let me be Sara, let me grieve in piece, let me spend time _alone,_ with my mother." Tegan doesn't wait for Sara to acknowledge, she walks passed her and to her room.

Upstairs she is pacing and rubbing her arms to rid herself of the chill she felt around her. She reached for a sweater in the closet and pulled it over her quickly before sliding into bed

Tegan was too hopped up on adrenaline earlier to notice how cold she had really been, but now she felt it. Soon however it subsides.

The sweater she grabbed in the closet once belonged to Sara. She gave it to Tegan when she left for a month to visit family in Florida. It was not bad the first few weeks, but the week before Sara came back Tegan found herself crying all the time and for any little reason. Sara told her whenever she put it on to think of it as a hug from her with love. Anytime she or Sara were apart Tegan would wear it. She wore it the night her father and grandfather past and many days after. She remembered wearing it and Sara holding her. Tegan had never before in her life and had not since felt so loved and cared for.

She left the sweater in the old room when she moved, she didn't want anything that would remind her of Sara. Tegan noticed it when she unpacked her things last night, she knows now that her mother put it there on purpose, she can smell the fabric cleaner.

As Tegan lies in bed, she is amazed how the sweater still manages to bring her comfort.


	3. Sick

Tegan dreads walking down stairs. She knew she overreacted earlier, but she did feel that her actions were in a sense justified. She could not understand why her mother, or Sara for that matter, would think it was okay to just hang around like Sara never hurt her, and all was well.  
Downstairs Tegan found her mother mending a pair of jeans. She didn't greet her when she walked in, and Tegan knew she was still very much upset with her. Despite Tegan's headstrong belief that she had every right to behave the way she had, she still wished she had not spoken to her mother so poorly.  
" I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have talked to you that way." She said shyly as she fiddled with the fabric in front of her. " I know you two are still close, but I'm here for grandma, and having her around isn't easy for me."  
" Sara was just here dropping off a few things for me to mend. This was planned before your grandma." Sonia pulled the jeans away and huffed. " I still look after her. Just because you two are no longer together doesn't mean I've stopped loving her. She's my other daughter. I've said so all along, this is not just about you Tegan. Grandma knew Sara too, she's family."  
Her mother was right. Sara was family, Sara loved Grandma just like she did and vice-versa.  
" I'm sorry, I-"  
" Are you? Tegan you're my daughter and you knowI love you, but you have got to stop treating Sara so harshly."  
" So I'm the bad guy here. How can you say that to me?"  
" People want different things out of life Tegan. You have yours, and Sara has every right to her own. Okay, so you found out things about Sara that hurt you, I understand that, but that doesn't mean you have to punish her to make yourself feel better. She did nothing to purposely hurt you and you know that. "  
Tegan was crying openly now. " So you're saying I should have just given into whatever _she_ said, do whatever _she_ wanted."  
" You know that isn't what I mean Tegan." Despite Tegan's rude behavior earlier, Sonia cannot bare to watch her daughter upset. She holds and rocks her. She wondered how many times she has held her daughter this way and wonders who would do it when she was gone. Sara's face pops up and she sighs, she thinks how unfortunate it was for Tegan and Sara. She wished love was easier for them.  
All Sonia wanted at this point was for her daughter to be happy, and she did not care if Tegan wanted to join a polyamorous cult at this point. She missed her daughter's happiness. 

Seeing Sara at her grandmother's wake was no surprise, her mother was right, she was part of the family. Sara loved her mother and grandmother, and they loved her just as much.  
Tegan's eyes trailed over the people in the room and was surprised to see a woman named Linda Bradley. Linda was a girl Tegan dated before Sara. She was Tegan's first love.  
Linda came up to shake hands with her mother and Tegan. Linda smiled and hugged her tightly. It was nice to see her, she was as pretty as ever, and Tegan felt for the first time since the visit home a real sense of homecoming. Seeing old friends and family, and genuinely being happy to see them was something she had yet to experience until that point with Linda.  
After the wake, everyone went back to Tegan's house. She and Linda disappeared into her bedroom and talked. Linda mentioned booze and the two snuck out through those wonderful stairs and headed to one of the bars close to her home.  
" Well I can definitely say that you're still as attractive as ever, " smiled Linda from across the booth. The two were discussing growing older and gray hair.  
" Well you have good taste," Tegan smirked. Linda shook her head. " Still so full of yourself Rain, I thought you would have outgrown that ego of yours, looks like its still alive and well." Tegan laughed that time and leaned back. " Well, when you get the hottest girl in school that happens. " Tegan was talking about her, but Linda took their conversation to a place Tegan had no intention of going.  
" Okay, I'll give you that one. Sara was and is very beautiful, every lesbian from here to three towns over tried to jump on that after you two broke up. You deserve bragging rights I guess." Tegan wanted to dismiss Linda, and tell her she had, in fact, meant her, but that thought was far in the back of her head with the thought of Sara with other women come to light. She hadn't really thought about it before, not really anyway.  
" Did you know any of them? I mean not that its any of my business, but did you hear about her hooking up with-" Tegan stopped to take a huge drink from her mug. She really did not want to know, but at the same time, she had to know. She was not making sense in her own mind and it irritated her.  
" Tegan... Sorry, I shouldn't have said that." Tegan shook her head and apologized, she explained that it was still difficult and that she wished she was better at hiding her emotions. " If there was anything I wish I could have taken from my relationship with Sara it would have been that; hiding my emotions." 

Linda walked Tegan to her door. She motioned Tegan into a hug but when Tegan pulled away, Linda still had her arms around her. The two looked at each other wondering if they should let themselves give into temptation when the front door opened revealing a startled Sara.  
" Oh, uh, s-sorry." Sara said as Tegan's hold on Linda quickly vanished. Sara shook her head "Have fun?" she asked walking away.  
" You okay?" Asked Linda as Tegan watched Sara get into her car and drive away. " Sorry." Tegan said looking to her snowed covered shoes. " I shouldn't-" Linda simply smiled and walked to her car. 

She knew she should not have been driving, but Tegan needed to see her. She needed to know if Sara was okay. The alcohol clouded her better judgment and she knew she was going to regret this, but she pushed the negative thoughts aside.  
Tegan knew Sara stilled lived in the old place, Sara's father owned the building and her apartment was free. Just in case, though, she doubled check by reading the name on the mailbox.  
She rang the bell once, twice, then three times. She was about to leave when the door opened. Sara was standing at the door with a hoodie and jeans on. Her collarbone was exposed and her black hoodie made her pale skin almost glow. She looked so young with her clothing choice. Images of when Tegan would play with the strings on Sara's hoodies popped up.  
" What do you want Tegan," Sara asked with a small voice. " You didn't want to see, or have anything to do with me remember." Tegan closed her eyes she and shook her head. " That's not what-" Sara pulled her hands into the sleeves of her hoodie and crossed her arms. " Your words."  
" I'm sorry, I know I've been a bitch-"  
" You should go home Tegan, it's late. We'll talk tomorrow."  
Tegan laughed as the old feelings of rejection came to the surface. _When will you learn?_ she thought. Sara looked at her worriedly. " Well, this was a stupid idea." Tegan turns around but Sara grabs onto her coat. " Tegan are you drunk? Did you drive over here like this? Tegan, come on, you could have hurt someone. Come inside, I'll call you a cab." Tegan followed her, but then she spots an unopened bottle of wine and two wine glasses on the coffee table. She pretends not to notice it, but the dim lighting cannot be as easy for Tegan to dismiss.  
" Actually, I have a phone, I'll wait out here." Tegan turned around to leave when she heard Sara mumble something under her breath.  
" What was that?" Sara's jaw was clench tight and her head was tilted to the side. Classic pissed off Sara.  
" I said you're so fucking difficult. Why do things always have to be your way or no way?" Tegan stepped closer toward's her in a confrontational manner. " Oh I'm difficult, this would have to be the best example of someone being a fucking Hippocrate. You, Sara, are difficult, I was just coming to see if you were alright, and as usual I get shit for it."  
Sara steps into the hallway, with angry eyes, direct at Tegan with great intensity. " You are so fucking full of shit Tegan. I hate when you do this."  
" Do what? You mean care? I came to see if you were okay, I know you Sara, you were pissed when you saw me with Linda, and you-" Sara grabbed Tegan by her coat and brought her into her apartment. " Will you fucking hush, I have neighbors you know, and for your information, I was not upset, I was just leaving. Why would I give a shit if your off hanging around with an ex-girlfriend-I'm an ex-girlfriend, and we've been hanging around since you got here."  
Sara was being facetious, and Tegan got her meaning. " I can't have a good time with an old friend? I can see whoever I want and do whatever the hell I please."  
" Oh, of course, you can do whatever you want, as long as it's you it's okay. God forbid anyone else disagrees with you or has their own thoughts. It has and always will be Tegan's way or no way" Sara opened the door and motioned for Tegan to leave. " Must be nice having everything you want. " Sara's voice trembled, and Tegan kicked herself mentally for coming to her.  
"Don't worry about seeing me the rest of your visit. If we're both lucky this will be the last time we have to see each other." Sara shut the door and Tegan stayed staring at the boundry between them.  
Tegan was watery eyed when she stomped out of Sara's apartment that night. She hated herself for being foolish enough to think Sara was upset at seeing her with Linda, when she clearly had her own thing going on. She knew nothing about Sara's life anymore, she hadn't even thought of Sara being with anyone. She imagined Sara being held by some faceless woman, and that woman laughing to herself for Tegan's ridiculous behavior. The very thought made her her angry, but the thought of knowing Sara was with someone else was the worst. It was absolutely painful.


End file.
